- reminiscentii -

In retrospect, I believe I've been quite an asshole in my primary school years. I can safely say most of my class hates me. Heh. But it is thanks to the guidance and support by teachers (with some scoldings in between) that I am who I am now. I owe it to them completely. This is not limited to just school teachers. I know by definition and common usage it is restricted to only that. However, teachers are people who educate; they need not necessarily be limited to your school or tuition teachers.

So here's my long list of teachers whom I want to thank. Not in specific order as I'm typing it out as I go.

Mdm Cheng Poh Yoke, my Standard 5 and 6 class teacher, who has taught me humility and showed me that arrogance is one's greatest downfall.

Mdm Woo Sook Yee (?), my Malay teacher for Standard 5 and 6.

Mr Zuraimi Mokhtar, my Geografi/class teacher for Form 1.

Mr Tan Ewe Seong and Ms (now Mdm) Carrie Lum, my Computer Club teachers-in-charge.

Ms (now Mdm) Chan Ai Ling, my English teacher for Form 1.

Pn Gunavathi, my English teacher for Form 2.

Mr Sabapathy, discipline teacher for lower secondary in Malaysia.

Pn Etron, teacher-in-charge for English Language Society.

Pn Tang Kar Ming, teacher-in-charge for Choir Club (afternoon session).

Pn Chong Suet Fun, second teacher-in-charge for discipline for lower secondary in Malaysia.

Pn Tong Chew Fong, KH teacher in Form 3 who taught me accounts. Sparked off my interest in the field.

Mr Yap Kok Wai, Science tuition teacher in Malaysia. Helped me in Physics when I was back for holidays as well.

Mr Sin, maths tuition teacher in Malaysia, whose skill far supersedes other Maths teachers that I have had so far (no offense, but it's true). It is thanks to him and the time I spent with him that I actually understand many concepts which I fail to understand under the tutelage of others, including Calculus. Everything seems so easy when he does it. Damn!

Mr Aaron Kok, English tuition teacher in Malaysia.

(in another light) Ms Ivy, money-eating tuition-teaching bitch who has taught me (the hard way) to NEVER be gullible in dealings with others and not to be naive when it comes to people.

Mr Lam Nam Soon, teacher-mentor for scholars in RI; the second-most person I wish to thank for his support.

Mrs Eunice Tay, Physics teacher-cum-form teacher for both years in RI.

Mrs Priscilla Lim, Maths teacher for both years in RI, who can make Maths one of the most interesting subjects.

Mr Harold Au, Bio relief teacher for Sec 3 who has given scholars many remedial sessions to catch up on DNA and the likes, and who can actually TEACH Bio rather than to blurt out all concepts.

Mr Vincent Quek, Mr Daniel Chua and Mr Tan Chiew Sern, my boarding masters in Hullett 1.

Mr Low June Meng, HOD Boarding of RI-cum-PE teacher for both years.

Dr Chionh Yan Huay, HOD National Education-cum-Geography teacher for both years in RI. She's grumpy, yes, and everyone dislikes her, but she's one hell of a teacher if you're good in her class. (:

Mrs Neoh Terh Ling, Social Studies teacher, Sec 4.

Mr Koh Siak Peng, Chem teacher for both years in RI. Thanks to him, Chem's as simple as ABC.

Mdm Bek Su Ling, HOD Mother Tongue-cum-Chinese teacher for both years in RI. I'm grateful for having such a nice teacher to teach me one of my worst ever subjects.

Ms Joyce Yeo, MOE Officer for scholars (English Literature teacher otherwise).

Ms Trancyn Wong, EL2 teacher for Sec 3.

Ms Lim Si Hui & Mdm Wong Chiu Chin, RI Chinese Orchestra teacher-in-charge. Mr Bernard Low, who was also teacher IC for a short period of time.

Mrs Theresa Lai, who was there during RI's trip to Malaysia for recruitment.

Mr Kenneth Kwok, Mr Koh Chin Nguang, Mr Magendiran, Mrs Lim Lai Cheng and Mrs Tan Siok Mui, the pillars of RI who are (or was) responsible for keeping RI intact. XD

I might have missed out on some teachers. I apologize in advance, and I thank you too for playing a part in moulding me into who I am right now. It might have skipped my mind, but you have made a difference no matter how small the contribution you have made, be it a scolding or comforting me when I need it the most. I'll try and update to put in more people. Hmm.

Last but not least, my parents, who have been the most important people in my life along with my sister for the last 17 years, 1 month and 23 days. They taught me that love knows no boundaries and that family will always come first before anything, including work and studies, which have put me in tight situations at times.

But I will not, and will never apologize for it, so save your breath if you're going to tell me how going home for the holidays is not important, or a phone call in the middle of a class by them can be ignored, or how that reduces your work efficiency (seriously, lamest fucking excuse ever for a person if you say that.) You'll get a long lecture from me instead, no matter who you are. That's why I loathe those who put work over your family just to earn a bit more money to indulge in whatever lifestyle there is without including the people who have made it POSSIBLE for you to even live now in the first place.

Oops. Digression, but it's something I feel strongly anyway. Nevertheless, HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY to one and all! Give yourselves a pat in the back; you deserve every bit of it. (:

If you are not interested in reading a long message explaining my actions, my reasonings and my reflection, please skip this article. Otherwise, you can read on, and see what I really feel about the incidents that have flashed past me in the last 8-9 weeks.

This will be one of my last blog posts of the term, and updates will be very rare.

It's time that I reflected on my behaviour. English teachers have been talking about metacognitive reflections on a subject, but why not do a metacognitive reflection on the whole? While it is completely irresponsible for me to post at 2a.m, with the rain beating away, I felt that with the tranquility and the small whistles of the wind blowing past my ears, it is easier for me to express nothing but the truth.

I have, since June, brought an illegal laptop, a 13" MacBook Pro. Its sole purpose was to help me with my assignments, and I seldom spend time on it. I swore to myself that no matter the situation or the magnitude of temptation, I would not play games on this. So far, I have kept that promise. This week, however, Mr Lam found out that I had a laptop. I was grounded, and I had to do community service. The laptop will have to go when I leave Singapore for the September holidays as well.

What bothered me was not the punishment, nor the fact (to some, heartbreaking) that I had to leave my laptop until next year. It was the betrayal of trust that I have committed that had struck me. That day, during the meting out of the punishment, I would rather have Mr Lam throwing words that take on the shape of knives at me. However, all Mr Lam did was telling me the punishment, and how disappointed he was. No scolding, whatsoever. Heard of the phrase, "silence is golden"? Well, in this case, silence was the golden arrow that pierced my conscience.

Mr Lam has taken care of me so well since my arrival. Why then, did I do this to him? No way in hell did he deserve the pain of betrayal that I have inflicted. He is, even now, my second father in Singapore. He looks so depressed nowadays, probably because of the events that have unfolded so far that continuously saddened him. I understand, too, that a thousand apologies wouldn't even begin mending the wounds and the broken bond of trust.

It is a conflict between what's right and what's practical. I believe what I am doing is practical by bringing my laptop. It is not to say that I have not pondered upon my decision. It took me days to try and argue with myself whether or not to bring a laptop, for I know that the consequences are dire. In the end, I decided firmly that bringing it in was the best thing to do, as I had so many posters to design for my Greenwave project. The sudden change in the topic of my SS Documentary only further supported my reasoning that taking my MacBook Pro with me was the best thing to do.

To be honest, I also felt that laptops shouldn't be brought in from Sec 3. The only thing that I needed to do with a computer last year was the SS National Service Video with Mr Quek, which I did on Mr Lam's iMac. Even in the first six months of my Sec 4 years, I felt no urgency or the need to bring a laptop, because there was simply no need for it. Being a tech enthusiast myself, I would tinker with the computer the whole day.

But then I found that coping with projects were not possible without a laptop anymore. I had to design 15 awareness posters for my Greenwave project, and my Singaporean groupmates conveniently decided to change our SS Documentary title 4 weeks before the submission deadline. So what am I to do? I try my best to be independent. It is not right for me to camp in Mr Lam's office using his iMac as if it were my own, for I was taught by my parents to depend on nobody as much as possible.

So is the "3.6 for a laptop" rule still relevant for the Sec 4s? 5 years ago, I bet there were a lot less assignments that required less usage of computers, and more of "manual work"; at least, that is also what's happening in Malaysia. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it is a matter of perception. It is not whether Mr Lam or me is right or wrong. He is infinitely more experienced than I am, given the age disparity. I have my own way of thinking, and he has his own. I can understand his point of view. The question is, does he understand mine? For those who are so immature to think that I am blaming Mr Lam for what has happened, please read again, for there is no use for me to explain what I have just clearly said.

It's much like how the world works. English or GP comprehension papers will always ask you "What is the author's opinion" or "Why do you think" questions. Isn't it ironic that we get marked wrong sometimes? Like I mentioned in my previous post, what makes teachers or question setters think that they have the same opinion as the author does? Why are you telling me what to think? Interpretations have, in the past, caused wars and conflicts. One extreme way of interpreting the Qur'an would lead to terrorists; another, saints.

But as the world advances, our perception has to change as well. What is applicable in the past may not be applicable to the present. See hypocrites who blame communism as the harbinger of doom when we're at this age and time? In the past, people would think of democracy as the same. We cannot condemn the actions in the past, like the "3.6 rule", because it was still very relevant at that point in time. But as RI gives out more and more computer-based assignments and tasks, shouldn't there be a bit more flexibility too?

I have much more to say, actually. To say how my actions are justified even more than the little illustrations that I have mentioned above. About how my situation compels me to bring a laptop. About how I knew, for sure, that from past experiences, Mr Lam would not have allowed me to bring a laptop, for that would mean partiality.

But does it matter? All that matters to me is that I have done myself wrong. For betraying the trust that Mr Lam had in me. For making the same mistakes -- using the past to judge the present -- that I have been actively avoiding. For disappointing many teachers and friends of mine, as the head of Scholars' Committee, the chairman of Hullett 1, and above all else, as a human being who swears to live in integrity. I have failed myself as all of the above, and while I am actively seeking to mend the hole that I have created, there will always be a scar left behind.

I am truly, truly sorry, to all my boarding masters, MOE officers and teachers, for disappointing you.

I apologise to my parents as well, for I have dishonored my family with the decisions that I have made.

But most importantly, I am sorry, Mr Lam, for the pain that I have caused. A hundred words cannot even express how deeply sorry I am, a thousand apologies cannot count as atonement for my mistakes, and a million "sorry"s will not magically heal the hollowness of the part of your soul that I have taken away. But also thank you, Mr Lam, for teaching me, even whilst I make mistakes, to differentiate what's right and wrong, to make the right decisions, and to take responsibility for all my actions.

I shall now sign off to sleep and rest, and start my day tomorrow earning the trust I've lost again.

Well, for no reason (and just felt like doing it), this is my top 10 charts. Of this week. In no particular order. I think. =/?

1. Jason Mraz/Colbie Caillat - Lucky - We Sing. We Dance. We Steal Things. (3:10)

2. Pink Floyd - Echoes - Echoes: The Best of Pink Floyd (16:31)

3. Daisuke Ishiwatari/Koh-ichi Seiyama - Blue Water Blue Sky - Guilty Gear XX OST (3:01)

4. JET - She's a Genius - Single (2:59)

5. Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody - Greatest Hits I (5:58)

6. Hirano Aya - Super Driver - Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu 2 OST (4:20)

7. Queen - Somebody to Love - Greatest Hits I (4:58)

8. Linkin Park - New Divide - Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen OST (4:29)

9. Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me - Fearless (3:52)

10. Coldplay - Viva la Vida - Viva la Vida (4:02)

Now, I'm gonna go do my English portfolio now. Before someone kills me. XD

Sigh. Can't believe my luck. I'm now officially on isolation again. I've missed out on yesterday's (Thursday's) lessons and today's school NDP celebrations. Sore throat (this time a more severe case) and blocked nose. The two of them in a combination is absolutely disastrous. Can't get enough sleep, and I have to keep getting the mucus out of my nose. Troublesome. Not so much about the yucky part. XD

I didn't know which verb to use, but I guess that's fine. It's annoying to have to log in to my school portal every 30 minutes or less. I understand that it's done for the sake of preventing people from mass downloading, but how bout normal teachers and students who really just want to surf the net with some peace of mind. So while in isolation (with concept mapped out the day before), I created http://riwlan.reminiscentia.com. XD It only works specifically with my school internet, so no point trying if you're not from RI.

I'm still not sure whether or not it will be banned, but at least it's something.

It's finally over! After such a long freaking period of time, it's over. I can't believe them people actually looped back the (almost) same episodes for 8 damn times. Are they trying to piss customers off or what?

Singapore's National Day falls on the 9th of August. So as a result, we get a long weekend. I'll have much to do, including Showcase Portfolio, Eng Yee's stuff, Chem PT and some more things that I need to think of. I'm currently in such a drowsy mood that I don't even wanna think.

As of now I'm currently temporarily removed of all exam burdens. SS test was quite okay, manageable, but I still didn't find enough time. The same with Geog. Somehow I can't write fast enough, and I need time to think. Hmm. I completely screwed up my Bio, seeing how I didn't even study much for it. Incorrect state of mind. Note to self, never, ever fall sick. Anymore. Otherwise my EOY is *ka-boom*. D: